


to burn memories into the backs of eyelids

by saetan



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Fluff, Growing Up Together, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kissing, Light Angst, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, M/M, Tony Needs a Hug, or full angst idrk, this is my first work so gimme a chance here heart heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:40:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26423512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saetan/pseuds/saetan
Summary: Loki remembers the first time he saw that spark of familiarity in the eyes of another boy. A question, an acknowledgement, a little bit of curiosity.Loki and Tony grow up in a conservative town, under controlling parents, only to find and fall into each other. Until, well – until life rears its ugly head.
Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark
Comments: 41
Kudos: 69





	to burn memories into the backs of eyelids

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NamelesslyNightlock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NamelesslyNightlock/gifts).



> hiiii. this is my ao3 debut! i felt inspired to finally post a little something because of the works i've been reading recently. im super fucking nervous and i hope this is well-received.
> 
> (another thing im nervous about): like it says above, this is dedicated to the iconic [NamelesslyNightlock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NamelesslyNightlock/pseuds/NamelesslyNightlock). a chunk of my inspiration blossomed from their work and i wanna give them some love. i feel like i've spammed you with notifs already but i _swear_ i'm not trying to overwhelm you.

Loki remembers the first time he saw that spark of familiarity in the eyes of another boy. A question, an acknowledgement, a little bit of curiosity. He’s thirteen and sitting on the floor at the school patio. It’s the first day of school and Loki is already tired of the snickers and the snarky jokes the other boys are making about Jessica Jameson. Jessica Jameson who came back from summer camp. With boobs. 

Loki pretends to care, pretends to chuckle whenever his twin brother, Thor, looks over at him with a smirk. Pretends like it’s not _draining_.

He just doesn’t quite care enough to feel the thrill the other boys are so filled to the brim with as they talk about how she looks, how _they_ look, how they “bounce”, how they _whatever_. He’s just not interested.

Not for the first time, he tells himself his lack of intrigue has to do with delayed puberty or something. He refuses to acknowledge the fact that he’s taller than most of the boys in his grade.

But as he leans back on his arms to sigh and discreetly roll his eyes while everyone else is otherwise occupied, his gaze catches on him. The boy. He’s also with some other friends, friends who also snicker and stare at Jessica’s group of friends. But he’s not snickering. He’s looking around for something to distract him, and he finds it when his eyes land on Loki’s.

Loki feels like he should look away, but he can't. Because the boy has a little bit of playfulness in his eyes, a spark, like he’s excited to finally see someone as uninterested in today’s hot topic as he is. 

Loki raises a brow. The boy smiles. Loki feels his lips twitch. 

Thor laughs at something someone said and turns to look at Loki with a nudge. He rips his eyes away from the boy and pretends the growing smirk was for Thor instead.

When Thor turns away, Loki’s eyes flicker back up to meet familiarity. And he can’t help but smile properly this time.

-

Loki’s still thirteen when he finally has his first kiss.

It’s cold, and wet, and fast. He doesn’t particularly enjoy it, but he brags about it anyway to his brother and their friends. He _did_ just kiss Jessica Jameson afterall. 

When Loki tells the boy - Tony - in Biology the next morning, he’s unimpressed. Loki pretends his reaction doesn’t bother him.

-

Tony has his first kiss at fourteen, a few weeks before winter break, with some family friend’s daughter.

When he tells Loki, also in class the next morning, Loki wonders if it was as boring for Tony as it was for him. Instead, he stretches his lips into a smile, pats Tony’s back, and says _welcome to the club._

Tony laughs and shoves his hand off and calls him a douchebag.

_-_

Loki is seventeen when the shaky hands of the boy he’s grown to care for reach out to meet his, fear and trust dancing in his brown eyes. 

Loki is seventeen when he kisses lips that make him smile, runs his hands through brown curls that end abruptly at the nape, sobs into a shirt, into a beating heart that he doesn’t deserve.

Loki is seventeen when he feels full and proper happiness for the first time. Happiness that bursts through his veins, through his heart, all the way down to the ends of his toes. 

He’s seventeen when the sun casts golden rays through his window, illuminating the face he can’t help but stare at, the brown eyes he can’t help but look into.

Loki is seventeen when he knows true beauty. 

Loki is seventeen when he hides his first ever secret from Thor.

\- 

Two years fly by in a montage of fleeting touches, and secret kisses, and laughter, and tears, and fear, and stress like Loki’s never felt before.

University, jobs, parents’ expectations, _the future_.

The future. Tony. 

Loki doesn’t remember how they got here. Doesn’t know how he got so lucky. Doesn’t understand how a gaze across a patio became a love so great he wanted to scream it out loud and project it into the stars for all to see.

Loki doesn’t know _where_ he’d be without Tony.

He does wish though that he could know where they’d be without everyone else. Without parents for them to hide from. Without his brother, and their friends, and their peers making them laugh at jokes that slashed straight through their hearts. 

Still, Loki doesn’t know how he and Tony manage to pull the act off. They’re just glad it’s this rather than getting beaten up in a back alley by people who would have once been their friends, once been his brother. 

Loki knows his father doesn’t really buy it though. He always watches Loki, like he’s _waiting_ for him to slip up. Loki decided a long time ago to keep his mouth shut and his head down around him.

“Loki?” Tony’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts.

They’re sitting in Tony’s room, on the floor, leaning against his bed, hands entwined, Tony’s thumb rubbing circles into his wrist. The door is locked shut _just in case_ even though Tony’s parents weren’t home, even though they weren’t even doing anything... _obscene,_ or whatever. 

Loki looks at him, looks at how Tony’s eyes look into him, like they’re searching for something. 

“I really liked today,” Tony finally says. And he places a light kiss on Loki’s lips.

“Yeah, me too,” and Loki can’t help but smile because thinking about the day, along with Tony’s kiss, makes him a little giddy. He brings Tony’s hand up to his lips, placing a returning kiss there.

They’d carefully worked their way up to today for two weeks. It’s the summer, so they made sure to spend as much time as possible with their group of friends just to skip out on plans today without looking suspicious. 

All that effort just so they could eat burgers and ice cream together. A little something like a date.

Loki wished he could share a drink, or play footsie under the table, or hold hands as they licked at their ice creams and walked out like normal couples their age did. But he knew they were lucky enough as they were, lucky they could find ways to spend time together in public without causing a riot. Even if days like this were few and far between. Loki knew to be grateful.

Tony chuckles, “What a pathetic bunch we are, ‘Ki,” and at Loki’s raised brow he waves his hand between them, “Look at us, we’re swooning over the fact we got to eat _burgers_ together.”

Loki smirks and fakes a dramatic sigh, “God, I know. Remind me again what I’m doing wasting away my youth with you? You haven’t even taken me on a proper date yet!”

Tony recognizes it for the joke it is, so he plays along and puts on his signature Brooklyn accent, it’s so bad Loki would laugh at it if he hadn’t already responded in that nature a hundred times now. 

“C’mon, baby, you gotta be patient with me here. You _know_ it's been hard for me, balancing the wife n’ you. C’mon, she’s askin’ questions, baby.”

He runs his hands up and down Loki’s arm like he’s actually pleading. Loki feigns offence, pulling his arm out of Tony’s grasp, “Well then, maybe you just don’t deserve me.”

Tony leans into his space and slides his hands up Loki's chest, stopping at his neckline, “Someday, baby, I will. And I’m gonna take you to a big ass city, a fancy ass hotel. And you’re gonna _love_ me for it.”

Loki kisses him for that. And Tony takes it all with grace. He takes and he gives and he gives and gives. He runs his hands up his neck, into his hair and he tugs. 

Loki moans softly into his mouth, slowing the kiss down to savour the moment, like he does with every moment, because they rarely get the privacy, the safety, to do this. 

Tony starts raking his hands all over him, and his kisses get more desperate, and his fingers grow restless like he doesn’t know _what_ to appreciate because he doesn’t know when he can next. He breaks the kiss to messily tug at Loki’s shirt and Loki giggles because he’s high on adrenaline, on _Tony,_ and peels the shirt off his body, reaching for Tony’s next.

Shaky fingers run over feverish skin and Loki’s hand cradles Tony’s neck, the other in his hair, as he licks into Tony’s mouth. Tony moans and it’s quiet but Loki swallows it up anyway and stores it into the back of his head for later. He breaks the kiss, places one next to Tony’s mouth, along his cheek, nipping at his jaw, then down to his arched neck. Licking, and nipping, and sucking, and _savouring_. 

He loves, _loves_ Tony’s neck. Tony likes to tease him for it, tells him to leave marks just to tell their friends he hooked up with some hot chick from some made up place. Loki loves it, loves the excitement that dances in Tony’s eyes, his voice, when he talks about _how good_ it was to their friends as they listen with intent – as Loki pretends to listen alongside them like he’s hearing this for the first time, asking Tony teasing questions, for raunchier details.

It’s only when Loki registers that Tony’s hands don’t stop their shaking, even as they scratch down his back, and that Tony’s breaths aren’t heavy anymore but shallow, that Loki realizes something’s wrong. 

He pulls away just to see raw tears forming in Tony’s eyes and he doesn’t understand what’s happening because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong, doesn’t think he hurt Tony somehow. But Tony’s lips are shaking now and Loki is suddenly reminded of the first time they kissed, how he broke down in Tony’s arms afterwards, shaking, lungs aching as he struggled to breathe. 

Loki wraps his arms around Tony then, cups the back of his head in one hand and rubs his back with the other. He places light kisses into Tony’s hair and murmurs sweet nothings into his ear.

Except Tony’s shaking his head and he’s trying to pull out of Loki’s grasp, and Loki is worried now because they never try to pull away from each other, not with the world already doing that for them. But he lets go because he would never do anything against Tony’s will, and he sits on his knees, waiting for Tony to look at him, to say something, to tell him what’s wrong.

When Tony finally meets Loki’s gaze, he crumples. His face _crumples_ and his sobs turn to whimpers and his hands curl up to his own head and pull at his hair. And Loki won’t let him, won’t let him just _hurt_ like this. 

So he pulls at Tony’s hands, and he doesn’t let go when Tony tries to push him away and all he can say is, “Tony, Tony, it’s okay. We’re okay. It’s okay. Talk to me. _Please_. I’m here, I’m here, I’m here,” like a mantra. 

And slowly, Tony stops fighting. He just rests his forehead on Loki’s shoulder, breathing him in, and lets Loki hold him. And he does. He cradles him and soothes him and tries his best to keep himself calm. Because this is for Tony. He’s here for Tony.

When he finally speaks again, Tony doesn’t meet Loki’s eyes.

“I meant it, y’know?” his voice is weak and it’s almost whispered into Loki’s skin, “Someday, I _will_ take you to a big ass city.”

Loki doesn’t understand. Doesn’t understand how this could’ve brought upon such a reaction but he nods, nods and tries to look into Tony’s eyes, “I know. It’s why I kissed you.”

Tony’s arms stiffen, and Loki still doesn’t know _why_ but he runs his fingers down them anyway to try to ease the tension there.

Tony sucks in a deep breath, then lets it out, and Loki feels it tickle his naked shoulder.

“Someday,” Tony says, “Someday, I swear, I’m going to take you _with me_.”

The outer pieces of Loki’s mind slowly feel like they’re piecing something together, and his heart hammers in his chest but he’s still confused. He nods anyway.

“I know,” he tries once again, “I wouldn’t go if it _weren’t_ with you.”

And this apparently is enough for Tony because he snaps his head up, and it looks like guilt. Fresh tears spill out of his eyes, and his hands _squeeze_ the blood out of Loki’s. His lips shake again, his eyebrows knit tightly together.

“That’s the _thing_ though _,_ ” Tony says, “ _I_ am.”

Loki swears he could _hear_ his world shatter. Could feel the cracks stretching across his mind. 

Tony looks at him and his eyes plead into Loki’s like he’s begging for Loki to understand so he doesn’t have to speak anymore. Like he knows what he’s doing is breaking Loki in half but he has no choice, and Loki absently registers that maybe Tony’s looking at him like that because _it’s true_. 

And now it’s Loki who shakes his head.

It’s Loki who shakes his head, and it’s Loki who scrambles to put on his shirt as he stands up to leave because he _can’t_ , he just can’t, and it’s Tony now who grabs at him and he hears Tony begging him to wait, please please, Loki, don’t go. 

Loki’s already unlocking the bedroom door when Tony grabs at his shoulder to turn him around. 

No tears fill Loki’s eyes. He’s just shocked, and his brain can’t handle it, and he can barely process anything. He doesn’t look at Tony. _Can’t_ look at Tony. Not because he’s mad at him, but the world. And he just _aches all over_.

Something about his demeanour makes Tony stop trying to pull him back, so he just stands there, helplessly looking at Loki, trying to grasp at something, anything.

Loki turns the doorknob, but before leaving, he stops himself. He twists the right side of his body to face Tony, but he doesn’t look at him, “When?” 

“They knew _months_ ago,” Tony says, voice tight like he can’t breathe but venomous with quiet betrayal directed at his parents, “They told me today. We leave Saturday.”

 _Saturday_. Two days from now. 

Loki knows he should be grateful for those two days. Grateful that he can use them to burn new memories with Tony into the backs of his eyelids. Grateful that they have _some_ time. But he just wants to scream at the world, at whatever cruel God was doing this to him. He _wanted_ to be ungrateful. Because he was so tired of being grateful for _so little_. Because he, _they,_ suffered enough at the hands of the world. 

Grip tight and knuckles white around the doorknob, Loki asks, “Where?”

“Miami. He got a job. Says it’s gonna be life-changing.”

Life-changing. Hah. _For the both of us it seems_ , he wants to say but he doesn’t need to make this hurt any worse for Tony. So he bites his tongue and he hardens his heart. Just a little bit, just enough to pull through this.

He finally meets Tony’s eyes, “It will be. You’ll meet so many more people. Like us.”

His voice is hollow, but he tries to smile for Tony anyway. Tries to smile like he’s actually happy for him.

Tony’s head shakes now, “Not like us, Loki. Nothing’s gonna be for me like it is with you. Nothing.”

“It’s a new life.”

And now Tony reaches for his hand and Loki lets him this time, lets him intertwine their fingers. Tony squeezes, hard.

“The only life, Loki,” Tony’s voice is wobbly, and Loki finally squeezes back just to give him a little strength, “the only life I wanted, _needed,_ was with you.”

And he’s reaching up to cup Loki’s face but Loki’s overwhelmed again and he lets go of Tony’s hand because he cannot do this. Can’t listen to this anymore, can’t listen to their “ _us”_ in past tense, can’t look Tony in the eyes and pretend to be happy for him, can’t cry and scream and make things worse.

So he opens the door, and he doesn’t look back. 

It’s a sweltering hot day when Loki leaves six years behind him. There’s no parting kiss, no parting gift, and Tony’s left with nothing to hold onto but the bruises on his neck.

It's a sweltering hot day, and Loki is nineteen when he stops believing.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> pls drop a comment, literally anything at all. 🥺
> 
> this is currently smth like a one-shot/tease, i have plans for a continuation. if the comments think thats a good idea, i might continue?
> 
> talk to me [here](https://rambeaus.tumblr.com/) ⍣


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